October 14, 2017
Some Memories Suck
Having completed studies in psychology and human behavior, it’s easy for me to diagnosis myself. My worst quality is the ability to remember things vividly. Some memories are great, however I often find myself struggling to forget or block out ones I just don’t want anymore. Not because they are bad, because the moments will never happen again.
Psychology would suggest a reason I’m unable to forget those memories are due to the unwillingness to face them. Something embedded in that memory is unresolved and the likeliness of being able to move further in life is limited.
Well I say hockey-puck to that. Not all memories are attached to life affirming situations like being stuffed in a closet by a curious uncle. Some are filled with joyous moments you know will never return. A lost love experience. A best friend laughing explosion. A sexual experiment. The memory holds an emotion, a feeling, sometimes even a smell.
Our senses trigger memories. Law enforcement uses this tactic when investigating certain crimes. I could drive by a park bench and instantly be transported to a moment in time that involved that park bench. Or just sitting on my living room couch in a certain way can trigger a memory.
Here’s my struggle, when the memory surfaces I desire the moment to recreate itself. To relive that section of time where I laughed, cried, or felt a way I’ve not felt since.
The ability to vividly recall is, at times, more of a curse than a blessing. I remember everything from the temperature in the room to the placement of the sun. Where my left foot was and what my right hand was doing. Even what jewelry I wore. It’s so vivid it’s hard to shake.
Like a computer, there are times I wish I had a trashcan icon on the desktop where I can just drop these memories in. But every once in a while, I’d restore a few – because reliving the moment in my head is often safer than reliving it in real time.