October 14, 2017
From the guy who is always fishing for compliments to the acquaintance who checks in everywhere he goes, here are the 25 most maddening “friends” you’ll find on Facebook. They’re the reason Mark Zuckerberg created an unfollow button.
- THE GUY WHO FALLS FOR OBVIOUS HOAXES
The friend who copies and pastes those Facebook privacy statements is the same guy who links to “Breaking Bad is coming back for another season!” news stories.
- THE GUY WHO IS “THRILLED TO OFFICIALLY ANNOUNCE” HIS IMPORTANT LIFE DECISIONS
We’re happy you landed a great new job. But don’t announce your major life events to us like we’re reporters at your own personal press conference.
- THE GUY WHO IS PURPOSELY VAGUE ABOUT HIS GOOD NEWS
On the other hand, “just got the greatest news!” won’t cut it. We’re mildly curious about your life, but don’t make us pry for details. Just tell us your damn news already.
- THE GUY WHO SHILLS FOR HIS PYRAMID SCAM
We didn’t sign up the first, 10th, or 100th time you posted about your overpriced miracle workout shakes. Chances are we’re not interested this time either.
- THE GUY WHO BLATANTLY FISHES FOR COMPLIMENTS
Buddy, you have a six-pack. You’re not allowed to post “feeling fat today” selfies.
- THE GUY WHO CHANGES HIS PROFILE PICTURE FOUR TIMES A DAY
Oh, good. For a second there, we forgot what you looked like.
- THE GUY WHO CREATES A GOFUNDME FOR EVERY SINGLE ONE OF HIS PROBLEMS
We’ll happily donate to help your sick relative, but we draw the line at paying for your plane ticket to Coachella or your dream honeymoon to Tahiti.
- THE GUY WHO COMPULSIVELY CHECKS IN EVERYWHERE YOU GO
Thanks, human GPS, but we don’t need our bosses to know we went to 11 bars—and fine, McDonald’s—on a Tuesday night.
- THE GUY YOU HAVEN’T TALKED TO SINCE FRESHMAN ORIENTATION, BUT STILL LIKES ALL YOUR POSTS
You keep doin’ you, creepy random liker.
- THE GUY WHO DEEP DIVES INTO YOUR PHOTOS
We don’t know how you got so far down the rabbit hole that you just liked our photo from July ’08, but kindly climb back up.
- THE GUY WHO HAS NEVER USED GOOGLE BEFORE
“Does anyone know what the weather’s supposed to be like this weekend?”
- THE GUY WHO SHAMES YOU FOR HAVING AN OPINION
Let us talk about controversial politicians in peace . . .
- THE GUY WHO HAS AN OPINION ABOUT EVERYTHING
. . . But badmouth our favorite candidate, and there’ll be hell to pay.
- THE GUY WHO THREATENS TO QUIT FACEBOOK EVERY WEEK
Don’t do it! You still have so many attention-grabbing ultimatums ahead of you!
- THE GUY WHO “THROWS BACK THURSDAY” ON DAYS BESIDES THURSDAY
Serious question: How the hell do you have all these childhood photos so readily available?
- THE GUY WHO ALWAYS ASKS IF ANYONE WANTS TO GET LUNCH TODAY
Oh man, we totally would, but we’re so slammed writing this list. Next time, for sure!
- THE GUY WHO USES FACEBOOK EVERY DAY, BUT WHOSE MOST RECENT PHOTO IS CURIOUSLY FROM 2011
How are we supposed to trust someone like that? How?
- THE GUY WHO INVITES YOU TO EVENTS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY
Why yes, we actually will be in San Francisco during the week of your poetry slam!
- THE SADIST WHO CREATES GROUP MESSAGES
You are history’s greatest monster.
- THE GUY WHO POSTS NOTHING BUT PHOTOS OF HIS FOOD
Turns out grilled cheese looks exactly the same under 57 different filters.
- THE GUY WHO USES HASHTAGS THAT LEAD TO NOWHERE
Someday, someone else will be “#feelincool.” Today is not that day.
- THE GUY WHO IS STILL USING THE BETA VERSION OF FACEBOOK
If a man uses the poke button and no one is around to feel it, does it leave a mark?
- THE GUY WHO SHARES RECIPE VIDEOS AS IF HE’S EVER GOING TO COOK THEM
Please invite us over for your deep-fried deviled eggs.
- THE GUY WHO COMPLAINS ABOUT THE SNOW LIKE IT’S THE END OF DAYS
You’ve lived in the northeast for 33 years. How are you not used to this by now?
- THE OLD RELATIVE YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON TO LIKE YOUR POST
Actually, Uncle Steve is okay.
Source: Mens Health